“Amish Mafia” Episode Review: “A Very Amish Christmas”

Time to start rocking around the Christmas tree down in Lancaster County, Pa.

And just so we’re all clear… this is NOT what I’m talking about when I suggest having a Very Amish Christmas. ‘K?

No, kids. We’re talking about everybody’s favorite plain folk… the wacky tale of folks in Lancaster County, Pa. (and Holmes County, Ohio) (and Hart County, Kentucky) (and Steuben County, New York) (oh wait, that’s for next season), your favorite trashy reality TV show and mine, Amish Mafia.

There are several different ways to watch Amish Mafia episodes.  You can use your “suspension of disbelief” and watch the episodes as if they were an actual documentary.  Or you can watch them as I do – by acknowledging that although there are real people “acting” and “playing a part” in these episodes, their level of acting falls somewhere between the Mighty Gong Show Players recreating “Gone With The Wind” and a community theater performance of Our Town.

The thing is, if we are to believe what’s happening on Amish Mafia is the God’s honest truth of the criminal underworld of the plain folk in South Central Pennsylvania, or even if it’s a representation of the fact, then the show can’t keep bouncing through various levels of disbelief.  You can’t have Lebanon Levi appearing to swindle the English, and then in the next episode they show him at a meet-and-greet, hamming it up with Amish Mafia fans.  You can’t have fans driving through Paradise on the chance they’ll meet Jolin or that they can purchase something at Esther’s quilt blatz, and then turn around and expect them to not notice that Esther was beaten by her live-in rapper boyfriend Mirkat and that such an action is completely ignored in the Amish Mafia storyline.

Heck, the only time real life and the Amish Mafia life intersect is when one of the cast members goes to jail in mid-season.  Hi, Alan Beiler, I’m talking to you.  Oh yeah, you too Alvin Lentz.  You can’t just say that they went to visit a sick friend for the duration of the season.  Well, maybe you could say that for Caleb… hey, by the way, where is Caleb??

Ah, but now the show begins.  What, we don’t even get the disclaimer about the Amish Church doesn’t acknowledge the existence of the Amish Mafia?

Melin starts off the show by teaching the kids in an Amish one-room classroom about who he believes the real true Santa Claus is.  “Santa’s a big fat liar and a fraud,” he says.  “Do you guys know why Santa wears gloves?  Because he has hooves.”  Hey Merlin, I heard that Santa now has tattoos on his arms.  The one arm has a tattoo that says “Merry Christmas.”  The other arm has a tattoo that says “Less Tars.”  Five points to anyone who picked up that obscure reference.

And here’s Esther, and she’s dressing some sort of squab for dinner.  And she’s still missing her father, who was in charge of Amish Aid before it passed down to Lebanon Levi.   You know… the plotline where Esther was going to get her brother John to move up the ranks in the Amish Mafia and possibly overthrow Levi?  Hey, whatever happened to that plotline?  Oh yeah, John got sent off to North Dakota and the other brother, creepy Freeman, is in the Amish nuthouse with Crazy Dave.  Hey, whatever happened to Crazy Dave?

And meanwhile, Levi and Merlin and Wayne and Esther all agree to some sort of Christmas truce, so there shouldn’t be any Amish-on-Amish violence.

So Lebanon Levi also runs all the Christmas Tree stands in Lancaster County?  Wow.  And as long as he calls white pines “Amish Christmas Trees,” then he knows that the English will pay more for the branding.   And yes, one of the Christmas tree stands are selling them at discount prices because someone else is selling trees at half price down the road.   Can we guess what Lebanon Levi will do to the guy that’s cutting into his profits?

Meanwhile, back in Holmes County, Wayne is bringing some logs to a woodworker named Jacob, with he plans to cut some old logs into some toys for Wayne’s nephew.   And sure enough, the woodworker needs Wayne to deal with some business – apparently an English bought a table from Jacob and didn’t pay Jacob for Jacob’s work.  Yeah, Wayne’s going to deal with it.  Sure he is.  He’ll probably clobber the English with an axe in the kneecaps.  Well, Wayne goes over to the guy’s house and delivers the table.  Asks if the man will pay for it.  Man’s not interested.  So Wayne takes his truck and starts doing donuts in the front yard.  A few laps around the lawn… and the man suddenly comes up with the money and pays for the table.  Now if they can get an Amish landscaper to fix those front lawn divots…

And for the success, Jacob carved Wayne a huge marble raceway ball drop.  And I gotta say… that’s a heckuva nice marble raceway ball drop.  I want one of those.  Want want want.

And another way Lebanon Levi makes money is to have his footsoldiers dress up in costume – Alvin as Santa, Big Steve as one of his elves.  And if the kids see Santa, maybe they can convince their parents to buy some Amish crafted toys.  And look, Big Steve is operating a camera so that kids can take pictures with Santa.  Surprisingly, it’s not the same camera that Jolin and John bought in the pilot episode.   Maybe it’s a newly-purchased camera – which would explain why Levi’s charging $20/photo.

And meanwhile, Merlin is getting all Grinchy about the proliferation of Santa Claus figures and holiday lighting displays in Lancaster County. So what does he do? A few things, of course – a beat-down of a Santa Claus lawn ornament, a threat to a person wearing a Santa Claus suit, a drive-by clubbing of a man wearing a Santa Claus suit, and then – just because this show can’t go two episodes without something either catching on fire or blowing up – he detonates a Santa Claus animated figurine.

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So a few things here.  Isn’t Merlin supposed to be monitoring things in Holmes County, Ohio, where he’s from? Or did he just give up that territory to Li’l Wayne and focus his plans instead on Lebanon Levi?

I think I figured it out.  Merlin’s still upset that Santa didn’t give him passes to see his favorite band, Gun Metal Grey, on tour.  And when Merlin didn’t get those passes… he turned to a life of violence and pissed-off-edness.  Well, at least Merlin found an ally in a Swartzentruber Amish woman named Mary. And she swings a mean croquet mallet.

http://tv.yahoo.com/video/mary-merlins-sidekick-050000770.html?format=embed&player_autoplay=false

And it looks as if Merlin’s trying to bring Mary in as an ally to his battle against Lebanon Levi.  Hey, what happened to Merlin’s last batch of enforcers, the unwashed barefootin’ Kentucky Amish from Hart County? Are they still on their way to Lancaster County to attack Lebanon Levi? Cause it’s taking a very long time to get to South Central Pennsylvania… maybe they’re taking baby steps so they don’t get frostbite on their bare feet…

So Alvin dresses up as an English to investigate the undercutting English tree shop, and the English tree salesman just explains his entire plot of swindling the Amish and undercutting their market.  Explains the whole thing to Alvin.  With cameras filming the entire escapade.  Has this tree salesman ever watched the Discovery Channel in the past year?

Levi’s solution?  He and Alvin sneak over to the competing Amish Christmas Tree dealer to play the game of “Chuck and Duck.”  You know, put some of the trees in a wood chipper, and when that takes too long… they burn the remaining stock.  This is how the Amish solve all their problems.  You’ve got green corn growing in the field?  Burn it.  You have an Amish Peeping Tom in the vicinity?  Burn his buggy.  Lebanon Levi has a new office?  Burn it.  Oh wait… isn’t Levi one of the volunteer firemen in the Neptune, Pa. Fire Department?  Yeah, that’s right… I guess it takes a fireman to know how to start – and carefully control the burning of – a fire.

Hey look, it’s Jolin the moody Mennonite.  He’s out hunting for bear.  And I don’t mean that he’s got his ears on and looking for smokey, ten-four good buddy.  We now get an explanation that Amish and Mennonites eat bear meat, and Julin’s got his rifle and scope at the ready.   Jolin shoots – and maybe he killed the bear with one shot.   And now Jolin starts gutting and disemboweling the downed bruin.

For the Christmas Truce, Levi has allowed John and Freeman to return to Lancaster County.  First she picks up John at the bus station.  John’s response to seeing Esther?  “I hope you rot in hell.”  Wow.  Sounds like the kind of greeting I get when I visit my family.  Only John was much nicer to Esther.

Next, Esther goes to the Amish asylum… and there’s Freeman with two Amish guards.  They tell John to bring Freeman back in 24 hours.  So now we have a family reunion of three unhappy Schmuckers.  And the silence in that van is deafening.  Man, whatever happened to that Schmucker family unity?  With a name like Schmucker… it has to be good. 🙂

So with all the stress that Esther is under… John and Freeman in the house… sales are kinda poor at the quilt blatz … and who knows what’s going on with Mirkat… here comes Lebanon Levi by bringing a goat for Christmas.  And guess what?  The goat is pregnant.  That means that the bearer of the gift – Levi – may want more from Esther than just a friendship.  In the Amish community, bringing a pregnant goat to a girl is the equivalent of changing your Facebook status to being “in a relationship.”   And if the goat pees on your floor… well, that’s considered a blessing.

So does this mean that these goats are not just running free, they’re possibly escaping from a relationship?

Jolin’s doing his Meals on Wheels delivery of bear meat to the community of Paradise.  And Jolin’s happy.  Perhaps the true meaning of Christmas is to bring your fellow residents bear meat.  As for the bear hide, I wonder of Jolin had it tanned and turned into a bearskin rug.

Meanwhile, Levi’s hosting a Christmas party in the community, in which Amish and English kids can get together.  And who should show up… but the Grinch.  A Grinch named Merlin Miller.  And Merlin and Levi have a standoff – right in front of the kids and the rest of the partygoers.  They bring up Alan Beiler – 46 minutes into the episode – and why Alan ended up in jail.  And they start arguing about Alan Beiler, and they break down the fourth wall and argue about why Alan Beiler called the producers of the show.  Hey, forget Alan Beiler – what the heck happened to Caleb?  And where’s the unwashed filthy Kentucky Amish?  And what about Crazy Dave?  And Merlin’s shunned sister Rosa?  And the girl that Merlin claimed broke up with her and is now sleeping with Wayne?  And how come nobody’s taken care of Mirkat yet?  Man, I gotta call Hot Snakes Media and tie up ALL the loose ends on this TV show?

And now it’s time for today’s Amish factoid – hunting is essential to the Amish way of life.  The cast members discuss the various techniques to blend in when they hunt.  Big Steve says he won’t shower for a few days.  Jolin says that he knows of some hunters who won’t have sex for a few days, essentially to keep their senses sharp.  And apparently Amish wear big orange vests when they hunt.  Mennonites prefer donning camo.

In the final scenes, Merlin and Levi continue to argue – right in front of the kids.  In Pennsylvania Dutch.  And all the kids are crying.  Even the ones that don’t understand Pennsylvania Dutch.  And Esther just jumped in and defended Levi against Merlin.  And Merlin cracks back at Esther, saying that Esther sold out her family.

And a little boy came up to Levi and said, “My dad got his legs crushed by a horse, and you made it all better.”  At that moment, Merlin decided to leave the party.  So much for the Christmas Truce.

Merlin returns to the classroom from the beginning of the episode, and he continues to teach the kids about the harshness and commercialization of the holidays.  The Schmuckers get together for their meal.  The Amish Mafia dine on the turkey Big Steve killed and cooked.  Wayne and his nephew race their marbles.

Merlin also points out that if you switch the letters in the word SANTA – it spells SATAN.  And I say, if you switch the letters in the name MERLIN BROKE THE CHRISTMAS TRUCE – it spells “A Cherubic Letterer Month Smirks.”  What does that mean?  Damned if I know.

But then we get scenes from the new upcoming season of Amish Mafia.  Including:

• Big Steve on an airplane!
• Lebanon Levi and the police!
• Alan Beiler’s back in jail again!
• More explosions!
• Trucks crashing into a barricade of buggies!
• Alvin burning down barns!
• More explosions!
• Wayne and some woman!
• Croquet Mary threatening somebody with her mallet!
• More explosions!
• Sweet Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick, is that a glimpse of Caleb??
• And Esther with big fat bruises on her face, and Merlin shouting about how leading a double life is a sin!

All on the new season of Amish Mafia, premiering… um… someday in 2014.

Happy Christmas everybody!!  See you when the new episodes arrive…